I’ll meet you 1/2 way!

Look, I get it. I would be frustrated too if I was talking to someone who thought they were always right. But I am.

I’m always right. Until I’m wrong. Then I get corrected. Then I’m right again!

Anything we disagree about, I’ll meet you 1/2 way. But if I say, “Wanna bet?” I think you are wrong and I’m right. So much so that I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is.

I started writing about how awful the emotion Shame is. But it’s not ready for publication. 💩

Thank you to my mother for providing the landing spot I needed! I’ve spent enough time in this cave! Time to start planning my return to California.

Her faith in her Prodigal Son, 😉 has produced the win/win for us. I get debt free, she makes money. Win/win!

I’m staying in Texas until the Total Solar Eclipse on April 8, 2024. Hope to see you there!

My mom bought glasses for the upcoming eclipse! It’s going to be on 10/14/2023. It’ll be a good practice run for me to plan for 4/8/24.

Thoughts while I go to sleep?

I’ve been trying to decide what I want to write about. Or more accurately, what I should write about. Whenever I think about writing I get stuck trying to choose one thing.

It seems pointless. What do I want to accomplish by writing? Am I looking to convince others to what I believe to be true? Do I just want to entertain? Am I writing for myself or for others? So, I end up writing nothing.

So, tonight as I lay here in bed in my one bedroom apartment I want to write about my life so far. I’m dictating this into my phone. For several months now I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep. This has never been a problem for me before. I suspect it’s because it’s been a long time since my life has been stable.

I’m waiting for my divorce to be final. It’s been a year and a half since my wife filed. While it’s been almost a year since we agreed on the specifics, there’s been a paperwork snafu at the courthouse which has prolonged this ordeal. In turn this continuation of the limbo I’ve been living in has put me in a precarious financial position. I haven’t been able to plan for the future. I live month to month. So I think the stress of this uncertainty contributes to my difficulty getting a good night’s sleep.

I’m 60 years old. I spend a lot of time wondering what’s going to end up killing me. It’ll most likely be some kind of cancer. I don’t want it to be some kind of stupid accident. But then again, I don’t want a long drawn out illness either. If I’m lucky I’ve probably got about 20 years left. What will those 20 years be like?

I can already tell that I don’t think as well as I used to. I avoid complex decision making. I have the same memory problems that people that are aging are prone to. But I also have some cognitive issues when it comes to motivation to take care of basic needs.

For instance, it’s a major undertaking to just do the dishes, sweep the floors, or put away laundry. It’s just me here and I don’t really care about them. Except of course when someone wants to come over and visit and then I’m embarrassed by it.

John Cougar Mellencamp wrote in Jack and Diane, “…Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.” That’s how I’m feeling nowadays. I can hear the objections from others, but for me, life is getting monotonous.

I believe I’ve already fulfilled my life’s purpose. Procreation. The purpose of life is to pass on your genetics to the next generation. If you fail to procreate, you failed in life. You failed the generations that led up to you. I don’t believe in life after death. I believe in death after death.

The only thing about me that has a chance of surviving my death is my DNA. In 100 years there won’t be any trace of me left. I will be like the great majority of people who have lived and died over the last 100,000 years. One of the nameless billions of individuals that have existed on this Earth.

So if I have 20 years left what do they hold for me? It looks to me now that it will be pretty bleak. Climate change is a problem that we’re only just now starting to address. We lost precious time because of the denial of politicians under the influence of corporations that would lose money if we made the necessary changes to avert the worst of it.

In the United States, one of our major political parties wants to usher in a new era of Fascism. With the changing demographics of our country, the republican party is becoming a minority party. So wherever they can, they are gaming the system in order to stay in power, and rule as a minority. The next election in 2024 will be the most consequential in our nation’s history. If Donald Trump somehow gets to the White House, our democracy will come to an end. But it may be that, regardless of who wins the White House, our nation will become embroiled in a Civil War.

I’m not a prophet. I don’t have a crystal ball. So of course, my pessimistic outlook may be completely wrong. But this is what I believe and it keeps me up at night.

Fallout 4

Title: Surviving the Wasteland: My Journey in Fallout 4

Introduction:
Welcome, wasteland wanderers and fellow Vault Dwellers, to my blog where I document my adventures and share my thoughts on the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout 4. Join me as I navigate through the desolate wasteland, encounter intriguing characters, and uncover the secrets hidden within this immersive game.

The Lone Survivor:
In this first blog post, I’ll introduce you to my character, the Lone Survivor. We’ll delve into their backstory, motivations, and the choices I make as I shape their path in this unforgiving world. From the moment I stepped out of Vault 111, the wasteland became my new home.
Exploring the Wasteland:
Fallout 4 offers a vast open world filled with unique locations, each with its own story to tell. Join me as I explore the ruins of Boston, uncover hidden treasures, and stumble upon unexpected encounters. From the eerie halls of the abandoned hospitals to the bustling markets of Diamond City, there’s always something new to discover.
Surviving the Dangers:
The wasteland is a dangerous place, filled with mutated creatures, raiders, and other hostile factions. In this blog post, I’ll share my strategies for combat, survival, and resource management. From scavenging for supplies to crafting weapons and armor, I’ll provide tips and tricks to help you stay alive in this harsh environment.
Building a Home:
One of the unique features of Fallout 4 is the ability to build and customize settlements. In this blog post, I’ll discuss my experiences with settlement building, from constructing shelters to attracting new settlers. We’ll explore the various options available and the challenges that come with managing a thriving community in the midst of chaos.
Memorable Characters:
Fallout 4 is known for its diverse and memorable characters. In this post, I’ll introduce you to some of the most intriguing individuals I’ve encountered on my journey. From the enigmatic synth detective Nick Valentine to the fearsome Brotherhood of Steel, we’ll explore the rich tapestry of personalities that make this game so captivating.
Moral Dilemmas:
As I progress through the game, I often find myself faced with difficult choices that have far-reaching consequences. In this blog post, I’ll reflect on the moral dilemmas I encounter and the impact they have on the wasteland and its inhabitants. Join me as we explore the gray areas of morality and the weight of our decisions.

Conclusion:
Fallout 4 is more than just a game; it’s an immersive experience that allows us to step into a post-apocalyptic world and shape our own destiny. Through this blog, I hope to share my thoughts, interactions, and discoveries, inviting you to join me on this thrilling adventure. So grab your Pip-Boy, load your laser rifle, and let’s embark on a journey through the wasteland together.

I asked ChatGPT to help me write a blog post. Above is its answer. Not bad! I don’t want the entire thing written for me, but I’m trying to use it to share what I’m doing instead of showing off my writing skills (or lack there of).

I’m trying to embrace the new reality.

Road Rage

My anger could kill me someday. That’s what I realized today as I tried to recover from a self-inflicted near-stroke. I thought my head was going to explode. At least that’s what it felt like. This wasn’t during the anger and road rage. It was about 3 minutes after the incident. Let me give you some background.

I have struggled with anger management issues most of my adult life. When I was in my 20s and 30s I enjoyed the feeling of righteous indignation. This didn’t come from a religious grounding, it came from my own ego. When I was at my maximum anger, I felt powerful and confident. I KNEW I was justified in whatever I was mad about and in my level of hate. I was right. You were wrong. I can say whatever I want, because I’m right.

I didn’t question whether I should be yelling at people. If I was right, and I’m always right, then it’s not my problem if you can’t handle the truth. Ironically it was when I was working for the post office that I was forced to confront my anger. “Going Postal” was a catch-phrase for committing workplace violence. I was never violent. I have never punched someone in anger. Felt like it, but never have.

So it was during my first anger management peer group session that I finally started to question myself about my anger. There were people of all ages and ethnicities in our group. We talked about what we’ve done, what we’ve been through, and what the repercussions were for ourselves and the ones we love. To say it was eye opening is an understatement. It was a revelation.

Even with that revelation, I was a slow learner. I wasn’t yelling at my boss, but road rage was nearly a daily occurrence. Somebody cut me off? Ride that S.O.B.s tail. Someone driving slow in the fast lane? I’ll go around them, sometimes on the shoulder! I’ll get in front and then jam on the brakes. Why? To teach them to not drive slow in the fast lane.

Sometimes, believe it or not, people got mad at me! We would play stupid games and nearly get ourselves or those around us injured or killed. Why? Because these ignorant dumbasses need a lesson! I don’t know if it’s because I got older, but my body started reacting to these high-stress situations. When the adrenaline wore off my back would spasm. I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest. My head throbbed with pain in time with my pulse.

So for over 20 years now I’ve been wrestling with my inner demons. I’ve come to recognize the the situations that trigger a near-instant retaliation for a perceived insult or lack of fairness. If I’m centered and grounded or just in a good mood I can now let them roll off my back. So what happened today?

It started with a typical trigger. I’m slowing down to make a right turn at a stop sign. As I get to a few hundred feet from the stop sign, I see the car behind me change lanes and accelerate to get in front of me. Oh no you don’t! I sped up to try to block them, but they were able to get in front of me. Ok dumbass, you’re in front of me now. Hope you’re happy. You’re obviously in a big hurry.

So what do we do at the stop sign? Well they make their turn because nobody is coming. It’s Texas so the speed limit for this road is 70 mph. What does Miss In-A-Hurry do? Slowly, very slowly, accelerates in the lane in front of me. It’s 2 lanes each way. I go around. Now the fun begins!

As soon as I get back in front of her, she accelerates to get in front of me. As she passes I see her turn to me, yelling and flipping me off. When she’s in front, I do the point at my head and twirl my finger as the international symbol for your crazy. She must not have liked that because she hits her brakes and we play the tail-gate game. She’s a rank amateur. I’m a pro. She thinks she’s going to impede my progress by driving slow in the fast lane? That’s why there’s a shoulder, so I can pass you on the left, silly!

I wasn’t really mad. At least I didn’t feel angry. I was kind of mad, but I wasn’t seeing red and completely out of my head. I knew that I had started it. I shouldn’t have accelerated at the beginning before the stop sign. That was petty. I knew it before we got on the highway. I was definitely on her ass as we started accelerating. That’s why she was going slow. She was paying me back for trying to keep her from passing me before the stop sign.

The stupid road rage games made me miss my exit. She got off at the exit and I drove on to the next one to circle back. As I was taking the exit, I started to feel my pulse pounding in my head. I started to get a little nauseous. The pressure in my head was unrelenting. I was actually frightened I might stroke out. It took a good 15 minutes or so for the pressure to ease and my heart to stop pounding.

Wow. What an idiot! That lady wasn’t to blame. It was me. My fault. I started the games. I continued playing the games. As they say, “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” My lack of self-control almost killed me today. I’m almost 60 now. Is that how I want to die? A stroke caused by my reaction to what someone else did? No.

I’m going to learn from today. I’m going to appreciate the luck I had that today wasn’t the day I died. It gives me a chance to reflect on what I’ve learned about myself over the years. I’ll accept that I’m going to screw up and learn from those screw ups. I can see that I’ve made progress in managing my anger. My goal is to never go through that again. Next time? I’ll strive to not be petty and just let the morons be morons. Wish me luck!

Hello God, where the hell were you?

I saw a post recently asking the question, “If you could ask God one question, what would it be?” So that got me to thinking…

Since most people in the US belong to some sect of Christianity, they picture their God as they believe Him to exist. They imagine asking Him about some detail about their faith they’ve struggled with in doubt. Or perhaps they’ve got a score to settle and they want to know why their loved one was taken. At least those are common threads.

My question would be something like why did you hide? I looked everywhere, inside and out. I never saw you. I called out many times. You never answered. Science has searched for you for thousands of years. Nothing. Physics hasn’t found Him. Biology hasn’t found a trace of a divine hand guiding evolution.

In fact the opposite has been found. The study of the natural world around us has lead to the scientific consensus that the Universe, Time, and Space began with The Big Bang. Life has evolved on Earth. Thoughts are bio electrical interactions among nerves in a brain. Before science, God was the most logical explanation for why we are here, how we got here, and what the difference is between living things and dead things. Now that we have science, insistence on His existence is just wishful thinking.

So if I were to find myself in the unlikely position of asking God one question it would be, “Where the hell were you?”

The Expanse

This sci-fi miniseries is into its 6th Season. I believe it has one more still to go but I’m not sure. It’s available on Prime Video for free if you already have Amazon Prime.

I’m currently at Season 2 Episode 3. I love how authentic the tech, politics, and cultures seem. It’s set several hundred years in the future. Mankind has expanded throughout the solar system. To the point that Mars and Earth have separate systems of government. And really cool spaceships and kickass Mars Marines. Both sides are itching for a fight. Then there are the Belters.

Belters inhabit the asteroid belt. That’s farther out from the sun than the orbit of Mars. It’s thousand (millions?) of rocks that orbit the sun between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter.

After generations of living in a low gravity environment, they’ve evolved a bit. Their differences in physiology from “Earthers” is significant enough that Earth’s gravity is used as a form of torture on them

I started watching this though not because of its quality, but simply because the name of the heroes’ spaceship is Rocinante. If you’re a Rush fan you recognize that name immediately! The writers hooked me just with that.

Fortunately it’s a well written, acted, and paced sci-fi /political /sexy /drama. I highly recommend it!

What got me to write about it was the episode I was just watching. Because in it, there is a spaceship called the Nauvoo. Now, if you are familiar with the LDS Church, you recognize that name! The ship is awesome. What really made me chuckle was how close to home it hit.

There’s a scene where one of the lead characters is talking to an Elder in a church waiting area. He’s being given a 3D tour of the ship that’s being built. I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but his reaction to it was something I could definitely emphasize with. It made me think how much would I agree to so I could ride, and raise my family, in that ship?

Anyway, LDS or not, this is a reliably good series. So far. It does have nudity. Close your eyes if you’re squeamish. 😉

So What?

This is my third try at writing a paragraph and it isn’t going well. I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. I sat down to write something. At first I was going to write about my day. I deliver for Amazon. I was going to write about what I saw and thought about. But it was so choppy I deleted it. Then I thought I’d write about the mind and soul. But I couldn’t figure out how to start or even what my point was going to be.

So here’s my third attempt. I’m writing about why I struggle with writing. Just writing this much has helped me see that if I want to write, I better have at least a topic in mind. But more than that, I need to actually want to write because I have something to say and not because I want to accomplish something.

Ok. Here’s the thing. I don’t have hope for the future. Either mine or the whole planet for that matter. This lack of hope has several causes. So I’m going to try and get them down before they elude me. Again.

First, my life has taken some crappy turns and left permanent scars. Everyone has pain and misfortune in their life. So I don’t claim to have had an especially hard life. There are billions of people who I’m sure would love to trade their problems for mine. But I can only report what I’ve seen and done. I’ve arrived at 60 with steamer trunks of baggage. I am not normal. I’m damaged. I am deeply cynical about life and what it’s for.

Secondly, I’m an atheist. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a soul. So I don’t believe that I am going to survive after I die. Whatever years are left to me, they number less than the ones I’ve lived already. I am declining. Mentally and physically. Yes I exercise and am on prescribed medications for what ails me. But everything we try to do to prolong our life is doomed to failure. As Jim Morrison said, “Nobody here gets out alive.”

Lastly, the world we live on and the culture we live in is failing. Just looking at the news we see political and social unrest. There’s climate change, war, disease, and a host of other problems we seem unable or unwilling to solve.

Now don’t think I just sit around dressed in black lamenting about the unfairness of it all. I enjoy being alive. I like watching how things evolve. I see the beauty in nature. I’m inspired by great music and great ideas. I love my family and what few friend(s) I have.

But fundamentally, it’s all going to end some day. All attempts at progress are futile. Even if thousands of years from now we’ve developed into a multi-planetary society and have cured all forms of cancer there is no hope for the future. Why?

Because the Universe, like everything else, had a beginning, has a present, and will have an end. We live in a special time where there is light. We can see the other stars and galaxies around us now. But someday, billions of years from now, the Universe will expand to the point that anyone alive on a planet won’t be able to see any other star. The night sky will be completely black. Someday in the far distant future the last star will collapse on itself and the light of the Universe will be extinguished.

So what? That’s hundreds of billions of years down the road! It’s the inevitability of it that gets me. Long before that, life will have been incinerated here on Earth. Our sun will in billions of years use up all of its hydrogen. The sun will expand engulfing Mercury and Venus and possibly the Earth too. Even if the Earth isn’t inside the sun it will be burnt to a cinder.

So what? That’s billions of years down the road! Life evolves. That includes humans. There weren’t humans a million years ago. There’s little reason to think there will be humans a million years from now. Our species will die out or become something new.

So what? That’s a million years down the road! If we’re lucky we might live to see 100 years of life. 100 laps around the sun. It’s very difficult for us to conceive of time scales in the millions or even thousands of years. But we know from archeology and geology that earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, and other cataclysmic events have occurred in the past and will occur again in the future.

So what? Hey! I could be wrong! In fact, I am almost certainly wrong about many things. Perhaps this world is a snow globe for God(s). We’re here and He’s there watching us go about our lives. Or maybe we’re in a simulation? We might just be a very complicated Sims game and I’m just a program that thinks I’m alive in a real world.

Wow. I have had this idea rolling around in my head for awhile. I guess it wanted to come out and say hi. I really thought I was going to write about driving for Amazon in Texas. But my brain wouldn’t let me write about that until I had unloaded this apparently. I’m driving again tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad. I’ll try to write about that next time.

Baking Cookies

Let the sunshine in!

🤦‍♂️ Oh no. I think instead of 2 and 1/4 cups o’ flour. I put in two 1/2 cups. + 1/4. Dang it.

It tastes great. But wet. Darn . Ok adding flour to remaining batter.

Look away. They’ll be eaten. Hideous as they are to look at.

My brain was trying to tell me there was something wrong with it. Oh well, the crisps I made are delicious! After getting the right consistency, I knew what my brain was trying to tell me.

I was afraid of burning this batch. 9 minutes. Probably could have gone up to a minute more. Oh well. They taste great, but aren’t something to show off. 6/10