I’ve been trying to decide what I want to write about. Or more accurately, what I should write about. Whenever I think about writing I get stuck trying to choose one thing.
It seems pointless. What do I want to accomplish by writing? Am I looking to convince others to what I believe to be true? Do I just want to entertain? Am I writing for myself or for others? So, I end up writing nothing.
So, tonight as I lay here in bed in my one bedroom apartment I want to write about my life so far. I’m dictating this into my phone. For several months now I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep. This has never been a problem for me before. I suspect it’s because it’s been a long time since my life has been stable.
I’m waiting for my divorce to be final. It’s been a year and a half since my wife filed. While it’s been almost a year since we agreed on the specifics, there’s been a paperwork snafu at the courthouse which has prolonged this ordeal. In turn this continuation of the limbo I’ve been living in has put me in a precarious financial position. I haven’t been able to plan for the future. I live month to month. So I think the stress of this uncertainty contributes to my difficulty getting a good night’s sleep.
I’m 60 years old. I spend a lot of time wondering what’s going to end up killing me. It’ll most likely be some kind of cancer. I don’t want it to be some kind of stupid accident. But then again, I don’t want a long drawn out illness either. If I’m lucky I’ve probably got about 20 years left. What will those 20 years be like?
I can already tell that I don’t think as well as I used to. I avoid complex decision making. I have the same memory problems that people that are aging are prone to. But I also have some cognitive issues when it comes to motivation to take care of basic needs.
For instance, it’s a major undertaking to just do the dishes, sweep the floors, or put away laundry. It’s just me here and I don’t really care about them. Except of course when someone wants to come over and visit and then I’m embarrassed by it.
John Cougar Mellencamp wrote in Jack and Diane, “…Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.” That’s how I’m feeling nowadays. I can hear the objections from others, but for me, life is getting monotonous.
I believe I’ve already fulfilled my life’s purpose. Procreation. The purpose of life is to pass on your genetics to the next generation. If you fail to procreate, you failed in life. You failed the generations that led up to you. I don’t believe in life after death. I believe in death after death.
The only thing about me that has a chance of surviving my death is my DNA. In 100 years there won’t be any trace of me left. I will be like the great majority of people who have lived and died over the last 100,000 years. One of the nameless billions of individuals that have existed on this Earth.
So if I have 20 years left what do they hold for me? It looks to me now that it will be pretty bleak. Climate change is a problem that we’re only just now starting to address. We lost precious time because of the denial of politicians under the influence of corporations that would lose money if we made the necessary changes to avert the worst of it.
In the United States, one of our major political parties wants to usher in a new era of Fascism. With the changing demographics of our country, the republican party is becoming a minority party. So wherever they can, they are gaming the system in order to stay in power, and rule as a minority. The next election in 2024 will be the most consequential in our nation’s history. If Donald Trump somehow gets to the White House, our democracy will come to an end. But it may be that, regardless of who wins the White House, our nation will become embroiled in a Civil War.
I’m not a prophet. I don’t have a crystal ball. So of course, my pessimistic outlook may be completely wrong. But this is what I believe and it keeps me up at night.
Sixty years 
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It helps me understand you better. I hope it will help me help you.
I think you need to decide what you want. Not what you think others think you should want. Not even what you think you should want. What do you want?
Do you want to live a purposeful life? I agree your natural, or biological, purpose has been fulfilled since you have procreated and passed on your genetic contribution to humankind. But you could, if you wanted to, still contribute in a purposeful way to making the world a little better for your descendants, or for the environment, or for whatever group you care about. For the homeless? You could volunteer to help organizations whose goals coincide with what you want. Joining a group in person is one option and would get you out of the apartment awhile, but I am sure there are things you could do from your computer, too. It is one of the reasons I knit and crochet things to give away. It gives me a feeling of contributing in my small way.
Do you want to be remembered? I’m not sure how to do that. A huge percentage of people will be forgotten within a hundred years. Very few leave a memorable legacy past that. Fame, lasting recognition, or notoriety have never been my goals. I try to live for today, but plan for tomorrow, not caring how or how long people will remember me. If being remembered is what you want, I can only wish you good luck with that.
I read once that the curse of humankind is that we know we are going to die but we don’t know when. You may have the 20 years you say you might, you may have 40. Or one. We don’t know. You can only live it one day at a time. So my advice to you is to decide what you want now and take the first steps in that direction. Tomorrow, if you are still alive, you can take the next step. The hardest part for you, I’m sure, will be deciding what you want.
I can give you an example. I have given this some thought and this is what I want. I want to be as independent as possible, to feel safe and comfortable, to have food to eat, books to read and yarn to knit and crochet. I want to play games and visit with my friends. And I want my children to know I love them and would do anything for them.