One a hour a day

I should at least respond to the daily prompts. Just to write something. To exercise those writing muscles.
I don’t really want to. I do it out of guilt.

One hour a day. Why can’t I spend just one hour a day writing? Because I’d have to force myself to. So I don’t for days. I consider it, but I’m having too much fun doing other things.

I’m retired. I don’t have to do anything. For some people that would mean they can finally focus their time on the things they want to do, but couldn’t because of work commitments. For me retirement has been about answering the question, “What DO I really want to do?”

I don’t have a way to judge the weight of what I want to do with what I should do. If I can do what I want. If I don’t have to compromise. Why should I force myself to do something I don’t want to do, but should do, instead of what I want.

I know it sounds like the dilemma of a spoiled, petulant teenager. That’s the way it usually feels like too. But the sad part is, it can be paralyzing at times.

Deep down I know it doesn’t matter. I climbed out on an existential ledge and I can’t get back. Once you begin to understand just how vast, ancient, and ambivalent the Universe is, and human tragedy is objectively insignificant. Famines, plagues, wars, and other mass human casualties are just part of the process of an evolving universe. A comet wiped out most life on earth at one time. Some day, inevitably, not only each of our individual lives, but all life will end. So if I don’t write a blog entry, it’s not that big of a deal.

So why do I feel guilty when I don’t write? Because I made a promise to someone. Our family motto is Remember Your Promises. It is so hard. But I’m trying sweetheart. I’m trying.

An Intentional Life

For a person who likes to think a lot, I hate thinking about the details of life. I have a hard time making myself do what I need to do. What I should do. Because what I usually end up doing, regardless of my first intentions, is the easy thing.

As someone diagnosed with OCPD, I know that I am prone to obsessing over lists. I’ve found through self-examination that those lists don’t have to be written down. If I have it in my head that A must come before B, then I won’t even really think about B until I finish A. Let me see if I can give you an example.

I have been in this apartment now for a year. When I first signed the lease, my intentions were to live in this cheap apartment while I paid off my credit card. Well, here I am a year later and my credit card balance hasn’t changed. I’ve used as much as I paid. I did pay off some other debt, but for the most part the last year has been a wash financially.

During that year I did not keep that original intent in mind. That has been a constant issue in my life. Here I’ve been around since the 60s and I still don’t really feel in control of my life. Oh sure I’ve got freedom and liberty out the wazoo. But when it comes time to making an actual choice, ease all of a sudden becomes a primary attribute. Instead of keeping in mind my original intention of saving money, I order DoorDash because I have money in the bank and I don’t feel like cooking. There I said it. I got it off my chest. I’m lazy and will never have nice things.

I just got back with the last load of items I had in storage. This is an A before B thing. I’ve had what little earthly possessions in storage 1,000 miles away during this year. It was mostly old books I’ve already read or will never get around to reading. There was a TV stand I’ll put to use. Some knick-knacks I forgot I still had. A propane/gas powered generator. That was really the only thing of value. It cost over $1,000 for gas and hotels. Was it worth a year’s worth of storage and the time and cost of retrieving them?

When I got back I started unloading them. Then I started classifying the books and making stacks. I love making stacks. I had a couple of bookshelves in storage, but they were too big so I just broke them down and disposed of them. So now I have rows of books on the floor waiting for shelves. I’ve got stacks of clothes waiting for a dresser. I’ve got stacks of plastic boxes full of computer equipment in the front room waiting for a place to put them.

When I got back I felt like I was coming home. Not just my apartment, but my home. Unloading the books and knick-knacks have really helped me feel like this is my home. So yeah, it was worth it. Too me.

While I was coming back, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I live my life. How auto-pilot I’ve lived for decades. I let my wife handle all of the details of life. She paid the bills. She did the shopping. She brought home clothes and I wore them. She picked out the food and I ate it. She planned our vacations and I went there. The divorce has been final for years, but I’m still drifting.

I’ve kept a host of plates spinning in my head of “things I’d like to do someday”. Writing. Streaming. Video Production. Guitar Playing. Camping. Chess. And because they’re always spinning I can go from one to another depending on my mood. But I never get around to actually doing them. I just keep the idea spinning in my head.

How can I live the life that I intend? It seems to come natural to the winners in the world. Elon Musk is notorious for sleeping onsite at Tesla or SpaceX until problems were solved. There are some things I need to practice in order to develop fluency. Things I need to learn before I can pull of the advanced ideas I have. So I know what I need to do. I need to make a list.

Ancestry & Geology

The longer I stay in Wyoming, the more I find to love. I came to Wyoming last year looking for a place to live. Cheaply. There’s more than one reason Wyoming is the least populous state. But those reasons have resulted in some cheap rent, and I’m happy for that. But that’s not the only reason I’m here.

My great-grandfather was adopted by a man of Irish heritage named McLaughlin. Growing up I was proud of my Irish heritage. I loudly celebrated St. Patrick’s Day, cheered for Notre Dame, and made sure when giving my name it was, “Capital m, small c, capital L…” My mom had t-shirts made with the Mclaughlin family crest. Why?? We weren’t Irish!

Supposedly the child that was adopted Mr. McLaughlin was a Native American kid adopted from the Wind River reservation. So that made us part Shoshone! My grandad had very bushy eyebrows. That was supposedly because of his native heritage. My grandparents lived out there retirement years in Arizona. They adopted Native dress and jewelry. As if they were elder indians living on the reservation. We’d call that cultural appropriation today. I guess they thought it was just easier to pretend they were what they looked like, rather than be what they were. It sort of makes sense for my grandad, after all he was supposedly secretly native. But my Grammy?

I got a DNA test done. 0.0% Native American. There’s some hint of Irishness, but mostly my ancestry comes from England and Northern Europe with a trace of African ancestry. My suspicion is my biological great-grandfather was of mixed-race African ancestry and his dark complexion was attributed to Native instead of African for acceptability reasons in 1890s Wyoming.

The puzzle-solver in me wants to find out where my great-grandfather came from. But now I have to try and find the birth, baptism, or adoption records from 1890s Wyoming. It was just barely a state! I think he came from either Wind River or one of the Catholic missions/schools of the area. I don’t know if I have enough interest to maintain an investigation.

Especially when there’s so much to look at! If you like looking at geologic strata tilted at angles when you’re driving, Wyoming is the place for you! Just don’t bring a light trailer as it is likely to get blown over in the near-persistent 50mph winds the state is know for! But my goodness the views you’ll see out your window as you drive across the beautiful state!

Ok, just one example of how awesome this place is that I just discovered. In northern Wyoming there’s a beautiful majestic whit mountain called Heart Mountain. It’s like a huge white rock plunked down on a base of lesser rock. It turns out unlike most of the rest of the world, the older rock is ON TOP of the younger rock. Rocks are supposed to get older the deeper you dig. How’d this huge big old rock end up on top of the younger base? Millions of years ago a 40,000 square mile section of a mountain broke free and slid at about 50 mph for over 30 miles. Heart Mountain is just the tiny remainder of the result of the world’s greatest landslide!

The fog clears when the Muse appears

Hi. It’s been way too long. I’ve been recuperating. I’ve been obsessing. Every once in a while, I’ll check online compulsively. Hey, I’m neurodivergent in so many ways, you’d think I shoulda been committed. I wonder about how much the few people I’m close to put up with me more than they accept me. I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t hang out with me if I was someone else. But I’m stuck with me, so I’ve learned to accept that I am going to put a severe strain on any close relationship.

That’s a lot of Is. Not is. The plural of I, however that is written. I guess I really do like talking about myself more than anything. Look, more Is. This is getting ridiculous!

Here’s a good example of my biggest problem lately. It’s a form of procrastination. It’s being paralyzed into doing nothing because the choices of what I could do/ should do overwhelm me. I started writing this because I was overjoyed to see my old friend had liked something I wrote a year ago. I wanted to write directly to let them know I saw the like, but knew that would probably break the fragile thread of connection. So then I had to decide what should I write to let them know that I saw the connection and wanted to respond.

My first impulse is almost always a bad one. I don’t trust myself to do the right thing, because I’ve failed at it so many times in the past. First I was going to like something back. I read some of what they’d been writing and was in the process of clicking like, when I saw the list of others who had liked it. Yep, there was The Other. Ok, glad I didn’t do that.

So my next thought was to write something over there. But The Other would just see that and cut the thread. So here I am. Writing to hopefully maintain the connection without bringing attention and eventual breaking of said connection.

The title is a little misleading. The fog hasn’t cleared. It’s still swirling around keeping me from seeing any path forward. Just glimpses of possible future intersections of fate. I can’t keep the fog from obscuring my long term sight. It hems me in with whisps of ideas that coalesce and then disperse, never to be seen again.

My attempts at self-regulation are pathetic. As soon as I try to organize around a concept, I skip to another and lose my focus. Why haven’t I written? I can’t keep focused on an idea. I could write my memoir. I could write a sci-fi story about the collapse of our satellite infrastructure. I could write opinion pieces on politics, religion, and society. Every day ideas for these topics come and go in this decomposing brain.

It limps along trying to keep me solvent, healthy, and fed. It has to fight itself though for any gains. The constant complainer-in-chief, the self-assessing eye that never sleeps and never misses a mistake. The choir of ghosts in my head that watch what I do and mumble about what the others must think. And their gasps when I trip. It’s weird to be me. It must be even weirder to know me.

Thank you my friend. I’ve missed you. I’ll try, really I will, to write so you have something to read that you didn’t expect. You didn’t look for it. But it was there anyway. Waiting

You brought this on yourself

The realization I’m seeing and hearing on the left is, stunned shock. They voted him in anyway?

Sure the ultra-MAGA are embarrassing to everyone else but themselves , but it wasn’t them who put Trump back in power. It was a two-parter.

First it was all of the “mainstream” conservatives who heard what crimes Trump had been convicted of and accused of (now never to be adjudicated and tried for) but were ok with it. They were ok with his friendship and fawning of other autocrats.

In fact with the US Supreme Court being a “Conservative” lock for the next 30+ years, and their past decision that a president can’t be held criminally liable for “official” acts, he will almost certainly commit atrocities. He will push his authority bigly. He will provoke confrontation.

He’s said he will pardon the convicted and sentenced J6th Insurrectionists. Bannon, Proud Boys, and the like are gearing up and preparing. Protests. Like you’ve never seen.

While Trump got a majority of the popular VOTE, he doesn’t have above 50% approval ratings. He doesn’t have the support of the majority of Americans. So there is a large group of left-leaning voters who are looking at their fellow citizens in disbelief.

First they look at their friends and family on the right and can’t believe they voted for him knowing what he is going to do. And they’re ok with it!

Second they look at the millions of people who voted for Biden, but couldn’t muster the urgency to get up and do it again for Harris. Knowing what Trump’s going to do!

I thought I’d be mad. Maybe later. Now I’m mostly sad that my fellow Americans have gotten it so wrong. Surely they’re somehow uninformed of what a monster he is. They couldn’t be ok with that too? Or do they really want a king?

Because that’s what they’re going to get. We’ve made the biggest mistake (hopefully) of our lifetime. I’ll be hear to say I Told You So!

Trump loves to tell the story of The Woman and The Snake. Look him up on YouTube. He LOVES to tell that story. Why? The punchline, “You knew I was a snake when you took me in!” His eyes shine with delight as he gets to it. He is the snake. He’s back!

Staying up way too late!

What are you doing this evening?

It’s almost 3:00am locally. I could say I was staying up to watch the Polaris Dawn liftoff. At least that would be a good excuse.

But I don’t need to justify staying up late anymore! It’s such a knee-jerk thoughtless reaction to, “Why are you awake at 3:00 am?”

Because I can be!

I’ll be going to sleep in a bit. I had started a response to another prompt. Never finished it. But there were some good ideas percolating and knocking around other ideas.

Later tonight is the (first and probably only) debate between Harris and Trump 2024. My green crystal magic 8-ball says:

If she tries and fails to land a haymaker, that could cost her. She doesn’t want to overplay her hand.

If he tries and fails to belittle her or if she can make him seem old and doddering, she’s got a chance.

If Trump manages to claim with a straight face, any kind of victory, he’ll inflate it into a complete victory. The likes of which no one has ever seen.

‘I beat her in the debate. Everyone is saying it. You’re going to tell me I lost the election after I killed her in that debate? No way!

Way.

Good night!

Hello world!

Oh, my Lanta! I am wanting to share, and there’s nobody to stop me. What embarrassing horrors am I about to self commit? Because nobody asked for this.

But if I can’t say what I need to say, I’ll burst. It’s not for me to judge whether it’s worth hearing. That’s up to you the reader.

I’m going to try and post videos probably on YouTube. I’m going to have a written blog here. But I’m working on how to produce it so that it’s entertaining. Educational, and not a waste of time.

I know it’s arrogant to think anybody would be at all. Interested in what I’m doing. Because to be perfectly honest with you I’m not all that interested in the details of your life. That’s just in long doses.

I have a short attention span. It really doesn’t matter how important the conversation is how sincere the conversation is, or even who the conversation is with. I will lose track of the conversation. Then I will either nod along with the conversation, uncomprehendingly, or I will jump in with the story of mine related to what you were talking about.

So anyway, now that I’m free to say whatever, whenever, and however I please, expect TMI

On the road to Albuquerque

So this is a train of thought block post while driving.

I’m dictating this with my iPhone and it inherent text to speech interface. I’m not even gonna look at the translation. I’m just gonna hit send when I’m done talking.

I love driving! I hate it driving For the last year because of how pathetic my Prius had gotten. I’m driving a 2012 Toyota Highlander hybrid and I love it!

The last time I took a road trip and my Prius why two months ago? I went to Hobbs, New Mexico and back, that’s six hours round-trip. It was winter so I didn’t have to worry about the air conditioning failing like the last time. I drove it when it was over 100 outside, so no worries there.

It’s biggest problems where the following: one the headlight on the right side Would flicker and intermittently turn off. It had a slow oil leak, or it was burning oil, which is what I think because I never saw a puddle, after that six hour trip the red triangle of death came on to tell me nothing except to panic. But over the last year, I found that when it does that if I checked the oil it’ll be, more than a quart loaf. And the windshield wiper washer fluid pump doesn’t work. The car antenna broke off years ago. It doesn’t have a Bluetooth media interface.

So by the time I got back home by windshield was dirty street, the headlight was off,and it was telling me it was gonna die any minute now. Lol.

I am currently cruising down the road with a Clearfield of you and a comfortable sedan like ride. Just waiting to finish this off so that I can enjoy SiriusXM, which is somehow free. I love this car!

Hey Siri

Featured

What did Jesus say about private things?

Matthew 6:5

Thank you

Keep going

Matthew 6:19-21 If we agree that this is True, that’s a great place to start.

Good night! 🌙💤

Thank you to the Gideons

Last edit I promise Stephen Mitchell’s translation is my favorite

Just not tonight! 😉

The alphas seem to have hunkered down for the night. The jungle grows quiet. Furious s

It’s after midnight now. Shutting off the phone….now

Road trip day 2

Tomorrow is the big day. I will be debt free as soon as I can pay off the debt I owe. That will be sometime tomorrow. 12:01 am? CT or MT or ET? Lol

It is both obscenely unfair and ridiculously stupid that it has taken this long for life to arrange itself so that I can finally be debt free! But that’s another story for another day.

I was laughing to myself about how “white trash” I could make this. Sometime tomorrow, a bit will flip and I will suddenly have access to nearly $100k at nearly the exact same time I will be arriving in Las Vegas, baby! It was meant to be! 🤩🤑

No coincidences!

No. I will not succumb to that temptation. Or bewbies. But I will risk up to $1000 on blackjack and craps. I will get some good bourbon and several cigars. If I win I’ll get an expensive dinner. If I lose I’ll get McDonalds. If I break even I’ll find a buffet! 😉

I have already given my mom a check to pay her back for the help she gave me when I really needed it. If that bounced I couldn’t face her again! No, I am so looking for forward to paying off 30% credit cards and lawyers so that I don’t owe anyone anything! I won’t actually blow it, but it would make a good movie. Or at least a country song.