I want to tell you something I know, but after I start I just want to tell you what I hope you want to hear. Maintaining the look in your eyes when you like what I’m saying becomes more important than anything else.
I want to say whatever comes to mind as we cross the country one county at a time. I want to make you laugh and make you think. I want to hear you gasp as we crest a hill and see an unimagined vista emerge.
I want to ask you why. Why? I want to ask Why not? But those are worthless questions with meaningless answers. We can never know the “Why?”s Not even our own. Most of us can’t even agree on the What Happened. Much less Why.
I mostly just want to say I love you. Over and over. Maybe if I say it enough, you’ll hear it on the breeze or feel it in a dream.
I never expected to be able to talk to you or see you when I did, so there’s no point in worrying about the next time. It’ll happen when I don’t expect it. But it will never be soon enough.
I did something sort of spontaneous today. I drove for 7 hours to see my Alma mater play a football game.
At first I was going to drive here Friday for Saturday’s game. Since I couldn’t drag myself away from my computer last night, I left my apartment this morning with just enough time to get to the kick-off. I was going to drive straight (7 hours) to the game.
After an uneventful, long and boring drive, I got off the highway and headed towards the stadium. When I saw the logjam that was the line to get into the parking lot, I drove to the hotel instead.
It’s about 1.5 miles away. I hate having to deal with parking lot traffic, so I gave up seeing the beginning of the game and got my room squared away and walked to the game. I just followed the PA voice and crowd noises!
I’d already paid $50 online for a ticket, so there was no way I was missing this game! I’d done that already the previous year. I’d driven all the way to a stadium, but didn’t bother going into the game because of parking hassles and no ticket. This time I made sure I was going!
I get into the game, find my seat and enjoy the view. It was a windy evening. As the sun set behind the tower of high dollar luxury boxes, it illuminated the clouds with a brilliant golden red hue.
I decided to get up and see what sort of refreshments they served here. Beer! 🍺 Suds. My favorite thing to quench a thirst at a game. Only (gulp) $13 a can! It’s a scam sure, but they have the advantage. What can I do? Beer please.
As I stood at the top of the grassy berm taking in the half-time show, the man next to me starts a conversation.
“Isn’t it beautiful? Look at everyone here enjoying themselves and having a good time. I didn’t appreciate this when I was young. “
I don’t know how many strangers have come up to you and just started talking to you, but it happens to me frequently. More than I’m comfortable with, to be honest.
But sometimes you can tell they HAVE to say whatever is on their mind(s). Robert was not to be denied. He was going to buy me a beer and we were going to talk.
I could tell this was going to be a conversation worth having. Not for the substance of the discussion, but for the camaraderie. We were close enough in age, that we could talk as two men in their 60s. We could nod, high-five, toast, and look sincerely at each other while I answered the same questions repeatedly. That’s what you do with a drunk friend at a football game.
Bob is a retired (30 year) postal worker. He’s of Navajo ancestry. He was one of the friendliest humans I’ve ever run across. He bought a round, then I bought one. We talked about everything and nothing. If you’d have seen us, you’d have thought we were old friends reuniting.
He talked of his 50 year high school reunion. He spoke of a lifetime of frustration trying to help people, but they didn’t seem to get better. They just stayed where they were.
I think if I had just hung around with Bob, (I declined his offer of another round) I might’ve woken up tomorrow at his ranch. I’m not that adventurous, but he seemed that generous.
It’s a good thing Bob wasn’t an attractive woman or I might’ve gotten myself into some real trouble! Am I too gullible? Maybe he was crazy and not drunk. I don’t know. He went looking for his brother and I went down to my seat. Navajo Bob, may you live a long healthy life!
I did have a great time, at least from what I remember. I watched the last of third and most of the 4th. Everyone around was enjoying the game. It wasn’t a blow-out, but my team, the visitors, definitely seemed to have it well in hand. I didn’t want to be around if it got ugly for any reason and left early.
I walked back a little paranoid, but I was not bothered by anyone. It was good to walk and clear my head a bit before arriving back at my room.
I let the universe’s teachers talk to me. It’s amazing sometimes what it comes up with when I let it.
Why can’t I just report how I’m feeling right now? Why do I have to take a few moments to figure it out? Are you like that? Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.
Ok, so I sat there for a few minutes. I debated internally, what do I want to type? What do I want to do? What do I want?
Let me start with a song that’s been going through my head again. Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell:
“And I need you more than want you…And I want you for all time…”
You see, I’m lonely. I’m missing my Soulmate. I only get to see or talk to her every couple of decades. The years between can be hard to bear sometimes. Like now.
If I had any faith in God or eternity, I could rest assured that we’ll see and talk to each other again someday. I could believe in Synchronicities and destiny. I could believe in love.
I’m only human. I dwell on impossible could have been and almost was. There are no do-overs or second chances in life. If you blow it during the attempt, you may get a chance to try again. But the previous attempt(s) don’t go away. They inescapably influence any future attempts.
Since I am only human, I have to distract myself from dwelling on the past failures. And the past ecstasies. I’m going back to my computer world now. It’s interesting and challenging enough to distract me from my recurring reminiscences. Once you’ve reconnected with your soulmate, no one else will suffice. So I’ll just have to wait until the next time we meet again.
I’m getting ready for my next Road Trip! I’ve got Gypsy Rose Lei in the shop. I brought it in for a look over. I put about 3,000 miles on her driving out to California and back.
Pittman’s Garage in Abilene comes highly recommended by my brother David. He was raised here. Graduated from high school and has lived here a long time. A good and honest mechanic is a valuable resource indeed! A brother who can recommend one is priceless!
I asked them to change the oil and filters and take a look at her. I told them I was going to be putting a lot of miles on her this year and wanted to be able to trust her.
Well like any good mechanic that looks, they’ll find something. That’s where the trust comes in. So after poking around and taking the wheels off…
One front strut was leaking but might as well replace them both. They’ve got the same mileage. The previous owners probably hit a pot hole or something. Could leave it but it’s old..
Replace both!
Now the bad news sir.
Rotors and brakes all around.
Less than $3000. Almost $2500. Worth it.
Looking at a 17’ Braxton Creek Bushwacker Plus travel trailer or a similar length Clipper model. You can see them on RVtrader.com. But that’s putting the cart before the horse. Or the trailer before the hitch in this case.
She’s got no hitch!
The mechanics at Pittman’s really didn’t want anything to do with installing them. 🤷♂️ I honestly don’t know why. If you look at videos on YouTube it looks pretty easy. I just wouldn’t want to try and mess w/ lifting.
U-Haul seems to have a side hustle in hitch installations. I’d have to reserve it weeks in advance though and I don’t want to wait that long!
I guess I’m going to have to actually talk to people. Yuck! 😉
It’s getting close to 9pm. It’s a brisk 50f w/ a breeze. I’ve got my baggy Levis, Black Oakland Raiders jacket, over a bright red Fresno State sweatshirt, that’s hiding a Hufflepuff T-shirt. I’m wearing my knit beanie my mom made for me. It’s been a couple of days since I shaved. I look homeless.
So I’m standing on the edge of highway 285 smoking one of the pre-rolls I’ve purchased along the way. I’m waiting for a pause in the traffic. It’s not like I’m trying to dash across I-5. There’re stoplights in the distance, I just have to wait.
I like being in a state where weed is legal. C’mon Texas & Idaho, get it together!
Anyway, I’m standing there looking at my app and looking across the highway, but it isn’t The Burger Den. It’s Denny’s! Aha! It’s a fake burger place created during the pandemic so they could sell more food through DoorDash.
I make it across eventually with no issues and enter the restaurant. It’s about a 1/3 full. Mostly along the same wall. There isn’t anyone at the check in podium. Another couple is there sitting down in the lobby.
I see a stressed out 30s something woman dart in and out of the kitchen. She says just a minute as she heads out to the dining area.
I notice the couple are sharing a phone screen, so I look down at mine to reassure myself this is actually the right place. I don’t see any signs about a Burger Den. But it looks right on my screen.
After about 10 minutes she asks if I’m here for the door dash order. “Yes.”
“We don’t have strawberry ice cream for your shake. In fact we don’t have any ice cream!” She said with an exasperated expression. “How about New York Cheesecake?”
“Yes please!”
She disappears for several minutes then comes back to tell the couple they didn’t have seasoned fries. She offered to reimburse them or they could come back the next day.
When she comes back with my food, I asked how many people they were missing because they were obviously slammed.
She’s the assistant manager. The real manager left early and her in charge because, ‘The evenings are usually light.’ It’s Friday night! She has one chef and one server. She said she’s going to close it down soon. I told her she wasn’t getting paid enough.
It’s an example of something I want to write more about. Homelessness, low paying jobs, medical costs. Our country has serious problems.
Anyway I get back to my room, turn on the tv, put the cheesecake in the fridge, and enjoy my burger and onion rings.
It’s an old Rosanne episode. It’s in the middle of the one where she has to take a lie detector test. After a few questions she realizes they’re trying to get dirt on the gay employee! 90s plot lines! Am I right?
Then it switches to a young Galeki and a young (insert actress name here) having one of those conversations. Two young people have.
Him: I just want to spend time with you. I want to be your friend.
Her: But you want to do more than hang out.
Audience laughs as he stammers affirmatively
Her: So if I don’t then you won’t be my friend.
Him: No! I thought about this. If you want to just be friends that’s ok!
He starts to walk away and she pulls him in for a kiss.
Cut to Rosanne watching in horror. “Dan! What did you say to her?”
“Well I tried to be there for her and…”
I identified with the father trying to balance his family interactions but fails unintentionally. I identified with the boy who loves someone so much, that being a friend is sufficient. Even if there’s a longing for more.
I turned it off. There really aren’t any coincidences are there? It’s just staring right at us. But we have to accept it before we see it.
So I get to the hotel after over seven hours of driving. The Roswell Inn. Have you any idea how many, creative ideas could be generated here? I like it. I’d like it more if I was a townie, so I could talk shit 💩 about the tourists.
I want to try to narrate my evening thus far. A friend of mine is feeling down. I’ll try to make this a decent story.
I check in the at the front desk. The 20 something girl, sorry young woman, politely checks me in. But sadly doesn’t check me out. You get to a point as a man where it’s just too creepy to even joke flirt. I can’t do it. I’m Cringy McWeirdo. I’ll just make us both uncomfortable.
Anyway.
I drive to the building where my room is. Yep 16.
Rooms 14-17 are in a separate building with what I’m assuming are 4 more apartments on the other side. There are 4 parking places parallel with each of the 4 doors. 15 & 17 have cars. My first choice of the evening . Park in the empty spot in front of 14 or parallel park to get between 15 & 17?
There’s a lifted truck parked in 17. Its owner couldn’t manage to keep its massive grill out of my spot, 16 which is empty. 15 has a new red Cadillac. 14 is empty. I don’t have time for anything else. I park in 14s spot. Like Forrest said to Kennedy, “I gotta go pee!”
I had been squirming in my seat for the last 1/2 hr driving in. I thought there’d be a bathroom in the lobby. Nope. Sucks getting old sometimes.
I get back to the room…
Ahhh
So I’m tired. 2 hours ago I thought I might explore the town or museum. Nope. Just bring the food here please! DoorDash! Tip your driver!
So I’m looking at the map and there’s a burger place across the road (highway). The Burger Den. Never heard of it. Maybe it’s local. I could wait another hour and pay someone to bring me something more exotic, but that Wake & Bacon burger (with a fried egg) was calling to me. French fries and a shake? I’ll be right there! Ordered from DD but pick up instead of delivery. Sure I could have driven, but I’ve been driving all day! I needed the walk. It’ll be ready in 20 minutes.
I get my keycard, leave the wallet, take some cash and go out the door. I’ve locked myself out before. Awhile ago at a hotel that didn’t have a night manager. Never again!
I look closer and see there is plenty of room. I’m not going to have to parallel park. I can just slide right in. I don’t have my car keys.
I go back to the room, retrieve the keys, park the car, and start cleaning out the trash. I bring in drinks from the fridge, expensive electronics, and clothes bag w/ toiletries.
I’m holding all of this stuff and doing the pocket search for my keycard. Nope. When did I set it down? Search the car. Nope. Dang it! I put the heavy stuff in the car and walk down to the office. It looks closed! No!!!
No. It was open. I’m just always expecting the worst. The girl remembers me, thankfully, because I don’t have my ID.
So I go back to the room. Open the door. Yep, there’s my keycard! I immediately unlock the car, put the 2nd keycard in the cubby, get my stuff, lock up the room and the car, and I’m off to get my burger, which should be done by now!
I checked in to the Day’s Inn, ordered a pizza, vaped, and started writing what I was thinking. Then after I had read it a few times, I was stoned and started editing. That was a mistake! So here I am the next day, in my new room, not stoned, and editing. THC is fine for stimulating divergent thinking. But it sucks for executive functions like decision making. Here’s the important parts:
{Author’s note: I was in a great mood and feeling humorous. As I get to be a more active writer, I’ll categorize things better. Clean up the message. Stay on point. Tangents can be their own posts later. Etc.
So this was some funnies:}
When I started writing, waiting for my pizza, I hear two guys right outside my door. They’re us. I hear all sorts of alpha male call outs of Hemis, Cougars, Navy, Real Truck, etc.
Loudly
Silverback style
I’m a chimp
I won’t twist your head off.
I’ll eat your face.
End of funnies.
I’m safely ensconced in my hotel room. I don’t want to say where I am. Let’s just say they’re known for Aliens. 😉
I love my new car!
BOTH headlights stayed on? ✅
Free SiriusXM radio✅
{Author’s note: I start joking again.}
🔺 of 💀 didn’t come on ✅
I got the pink slip baby! ☑️
(It’s in the mail or something.)
{😬 yikes. Really cringe at these}
My mom says I should name it…
The contenders so far
Silver Bird
Silver Fox 🦊 lol
Silver Surfer 🏄
{Author’s Note: This is a thought that I’ve been working on as a comedic bit. Or something. Funny idea? Where I’ve written edit and a time was yesterday’s stoned edits.}
GenXAssemble! 🇺🇸
So this triggered the earlier thought of GenX Assemble! I know it isn’t original. I have images of people in cosplay level gear in whatever timelines alts etc. edit 10:26pm
Here’s a thought I had while driving:
GenXAssemble!
TikTokers answering the call in whatever form they want. (stitching) 🧵?
Edit 10:27 😬 ok. Time out. Don’t whatever you do hit Publish yet. Ok. Whew! You don’t want to know.
edit 10:31PM sounds of woman screaming incoherently in the parking lot. Alpha Males, you’re up! Edit 10:32
{These are remarks from last night while editing}
Original text…By that I mean I’m not editorializing, I’m editing. So I’m deleting obvious crap. I’ve put enough time into it, I want to keep it for when I’m not stoned again. I don’t drive stoned.
Edit ok, the alphas are beating their chests and thundering around with their big loud cars with their big
loud engines going vroom , vroom
Yes. They trigger anxiety in me. 🖕 them.
There it is. 🌙 ok. Time to just chills a bit. Save for tomorrow. I like what I did. Save as and continue mañana 🪝🍅🥬
{So this was the end of my stoned edits. I was tired and wanted to sleep. What follows is what I wrote before the stoned edits but after sober edits. I’m editing now, in Flagstaff. The thoughts are a continuation of the GenX Assemble idea. }
⬇️⬇️⬇️
Anyway, here’s my point.
Our time has come. We were made for this moment. We were raised by mostly self-interested boomers who wouldn’t trust their instincts and instead read books about how to raise their children. Wait, that was me. Insight:
My parents read Dr. Spock (not Mr. Spock) it was confusing.
No we read “What to Expect When you’re Expecting” That is we bought it and passed it down to our kids.?
You too? GenX 🙌
{This was a real-time recognition of the fact that I was raised by a parent reading a book because that’s what nearly everyone was doing, that I did it too AND that I had passed it down.}
All of us short-circuited, burnt out, non-diagnosed fellow trauma survivors out there have to suit up, mount up, and most importantly get up, off our asses! Ass?
{The “core” idea is that even though we have different opinions left and right, we have a lot more in common. Trying to find a middle ground that we can start from. The middle needs to rein in their extreme fringes. I deleted unfunny jokes.}
You see,
You shouldn’t be praying in public.
I know you mean well.
But you really aren’t helping.
Here’s what I believe,
We are most sincere when it’s just us alone with God. I understood that truth a long time ago.
Even with the most sincere motives, when we don’t keep that part of our existence private, we’re actually harming our “spiritual” understanding.
Anyway
Very rarely we come across someone, and look in their eyes w/o any reservations, because we don’t have any doubt, that they accept us exactly as we are.
And in those moments we experience the Love of God.
However,
I no longer believe that it is Supernatural. I believe it is a part of the Universe. In ways I do not, nor could ever fully understand. But it is worth increasing our understanding.
Is it not?
Do you concur?
I now believe like never before that nearly all organisms experience something of what it is to be alive. So the closer they are to us in awareness, the more we can understand and empathize with their experiences.
Not intelligence or emotion or any of the labels we characterize existence as, just awareness,
If that is true, then we need to drastically and dramatically rethink our coexistence with the rest of the Earth.
{I was getting full of myself}
Random intrusive 💭
Deleted
Broken antenna like I had before❌
Room less than 80 bucks. ✅
Great Pizza from Dion’s. Spicy but good quality pizza 🍕
It’s a shame they were delicious
👽
Ok 👍
Here’s my idea 💡
{I had this bit in my mind where I was a conman trying to get the reader to want to know what my idea was. As I was about to reveal it, I’d think of the conman saying:}
What you think I’m an idiot? I’m just going to blurt out my Million Dollar Idea? Huh. Get lost.
So.
For my next bit I want to set the scene as I am experiencing it at this moment…..
I’ve never been more tempted to steal…Uh oh! El Diablo!
This chair looks awesome. I love the color scheme.
Time!
{I wanted to include a picture of my room to make it more Bloggy. This was when I decided to edit while stoned}
(I finished writing about an hour and a half ago. I scrolled through it a couple of times. Went back to the beginning to try and record that train of thought I had had while driving, and then trying to record it later while stoned)
{This is how I feel about legalization. Especially when stoned}
Texas, Idaho, let’s legalize it! C’mon y’all! Fellow cowpersons 🤠 I have a lot of respect for those that live the strait edge (?) lifestyle. Not for me.
At least not tonight. 😉
Tonight I am going to enjoy the pleasant effects of a great Indica King Louis (Louis)🤣 XIII)
10:04 PM local time
That whole train of thought was instigated by a White Christian woman on church TV. She said something about Satan that made me laugh out loud.
Anyway
I have this idea see…
Leverage the awesome power of ChatGPT to
Ha! You really think I’m just going to say it.. What a Maroon! Gull-a-bull! 🤣
Yes, I’m back. I’m even thinking of reclaiming my real name. We’ll see. I feel like my old self. Like my teacher friend, Jenni, said, “looking forward, not backwards” Or as one of my first “Memes”, from Gumball Ralley. Raul Julia says,
The 1st Rule of Italian Driving…
“Whattsa behind me, (removes rear view mirror) is not important!”
Of course, we didn’t call them memes back then. They were just funny lines from movies & TV shows. I look at my brother and say any setup line from any of those ‘70s movies and he’ll deliver a spot on reading. Consummate professional. God I miss him.
No! He’s not dead. Sorry (in a Canadian soory kind of way) It’s just he’s been up in the Great White Northwest and I’ve been in Libtardia.
There was a long stretch of years, at least two, when him and I and our mom would play Sid Meir’s Civilization on our computers with our modems and such. First III, then IV, and I think even V.
I thought of it as feeling my Irish, because good whiskey didn’t put a damper on my game. Somehow it got me out of the way so I could be, no say what I thought. Because I knew that whatever I said was the truth. Confidence. I miss that too.
I’m not gonna let it end there tonight because obviously I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m one of those guys that asks questions and thinks seriously about them, and what the ramifications might be. Even if I don’t like where they’re headed. If you’ve never considered it, how can you already have an opinion about it?
So I had several thoughts today, that I want to pursue.
I confessed my sins and sincerely accepted Jesus as the Son of God and wanted to be like him.
That was about 40 years ago.
I gotta be honest with you. I’ve never seen him. I’ve only had “feelings, impressions, thoughts” of spiritual experiences.
But there was a time when I was feet first in. It was later, about 30 years ago. That was in Visalia.
I was attending College of the Sequoias. I was on welfare. With my wife and two daughters. We were broke hippies. We were living in a KOA trailer park in Goshen. I’ll put those white trash credentials up against anyone!
I have a soulmate out there, the other half that makes me whole. I don’t have to be within reach, just within thought for me to feel their love. Their existence makes me question my assumptions about reality. A better person couldn’t be wished for.
Some memories are so sweet I fear I’ll ruin it if I dwell too long. But on anniversaries, the temptation is too great! Be they good or bad, I will roll around in them like a hog in mud. Coating myself in the cooling, soothing comfort.
These next few days will be a roller coaster of memory rides. Some thrilling, some sad, and some heartbreaking. So if I seem preoccupied, I’ve been putting some of these memories off for a long time, I’m going to be looking back intently over the next few weeks and months.
If you are making new memories for the future, I’m glad for you. It means you’re still living your life. I’m in a very reflective stage in my life, so I’m going to spend some time organizing and recording the life I’ve lived. Maybe next year I can get back to living life and making memories again. We’ll see.
You were there. It was real, even if it was temporary.
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Sixty years 