So What?

This is my third try at writing a paragraph and it isn’t going well. I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. I sat down to write something. At first I was going to write about my day. I deliver for Amazon. I was going to write about what I saw and thought about. But it was so choppy I deleted it. Then I thought I’d write about the mind and soul. But I couldn’t figure out how to start or even what my point was going to be.

So here’s my third attempt. I’m writing about why I struggle with writing. Just writing this much has helped me see that if I want to write, I better have at least a topic in mind. But more than that, I need to actually want to write because I have something to say and not because I want to accomplish something.

Ok. Here’s the thing. I don’t have hope for the future. Either mine or the whole planet for that matter. This lack of hope has several causes. So I’m going to try and get them down before they elude me. Again.

First, my life has taken some crappy turns and left permanent scars. Everyone has pain and misfortune in their life. So I don’t claim to have had an especially hard life. There are billions of people who I’m sure would love to trade their problems for mine. But I can only report what I’ve seen and done. I’ve arrived at 60 with steamer trunks of baggage. I am not normal. I’m damaged. I am deeply cynical about life and what it’s for.

Secondly, I’m an atheist. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a soul. So I don’t believe that I am going to survive after I die. Whatever years are left to me, they number less than the ones I’ve lived already. I am declining. Mentally and physically. Yes I exercise and am on prescribed medications for what ails me. But everything we try to do to prolong our life is doomed to failure. As Jim Morrison said, “Nobody here gets out alive.”

Lastly, the world we live on and the culture we live in is failing. Just looking at the news we see political and social unrest. There’s climate change, war, disease, and a host of other problems we seem unable or unwilling to solve.

Now don’t think I just sit around dressed in black lamenting about the unfairness of it all. I enjoy being alive. I like watching how things evolve. I see the beauty in nature. I’m inspired by great music and great ideas. I love my family and what few friend(s) I have.

But fundamentally, it’s all going to end some day. All attempts at progress are futile. Even if thousands of years from now we’ve developed into a multi-planetary society and have cured all forms of cancer there is no hope for the future. Why?

Because the Universe, like everything else, had a beginning, has a present, and will have an end. We live in a special time where there is light. We can see the other stars and galaxies around us now. But someday, billions of years from now, the Universe will expand to the point that anyone alive on a planet won’t be able to see any other star. The night sky will be completely black. Someday in the far distant future the last star will collapse on itself and the light of the Universe will be extinguished.

So what? That’s hundreds of billions of years down the road! It’s the inevitability of it that gets me. Long before that, life will have been incinerated here on Earth. Our sun will in billions of years use up all of its hydrogen. The sun will expand engulfing Mercury and Venus and possibly the Earth too. Even if the Earth isn’t inside the sun it will be burnt to a cinder.

So what? That’s billions of years down the road! Life evolves. That includes humans. There weren’t humans a million years ago. There’s little reason to think there will be humans a million years from now. Our species will die out or become something new.

So what? That’s a million years down the road! If we’re lucky we might live to see 100 years of life. 100 laps around the sun. It’s very difficult for us to conceive of time scales in the millions or even thousands of years. But we know from archeology and geology that earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, and other cataclysmic events have occurred in the past and will occur again in the future.

So what? Hey! I could be wrong! In fact, I am almost certainly wrong about many things. Perhaps this world is a snow globe for God(s). We’re here and He’s there watching us go about our lives. Or maybe we’re in a simulation? We might just be a very complicated Sims game and I’m just a program that thinks I’m alive in a real world.

Wow. I have had this idea rolling around in my head for awhile. I guess it wanted to come out and say hi. I really thought I was going to write about driving for Amazon in Texas. But my brain wouldn’t let me write about that until I had unloaded this apparently. I’m driving again tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad. I’ll try to write about that next time.