I'm a 59 year old American man. I'm divorced with 4 kids and 3 grandkids. I'm a retired elementary school teacher from California. I like playing games on the computer, listening to classic rock music, and thinking. I'm an atheist and liberal.
We had a scrub today for our scheduled launch. The launch window opens tomorrow at 0900 CST.
I’m starting to get my equipment cobbled together to be able to live stream to YouTube. Here’s my setup.
From humble beginnings
So I’m using XSplit Broadcaster. I use the built in cam on the laptop. I’m also using Xsplit software that’ll let me use the cameras on my phone and IPad so I can switch between the 3 cameras and whatever I have connected to the 4k capture box. I plan on streaming gaming, but can also use dvd players, Nintendo Switch, etc.
I have to wait 24 hrs before I can stream live or schedule a stream. My plan is to develop my chops using YouTube to spread my message, whatever that happens to be at the moment. 😉
It’s getting close to 9pm. It’s a brisk 50f w/ a breeze. I’ve got my baggy Levis, Black Oakland Raiders jacket, over a bright red Fresno State sweatshirt, that’s hiding a Hufflepuff T-shirt. I’m wearing my knit beanie my mom made for me. It’s been a couple of days since I shaved. I look homeless.
So I’m standing on the edge of highway 285 smoking one of the pre-rolls I’ve purchased along the way. I’m waiting for a pause in the traffic. It’s not like I’m trying to dash across I-5. There’re stoplights in the distance, I just have to wait.
I like being in a state where weed is legal. C’mon Texas & Idaho, get it together!
Anyway, I’m standing there looking at my app and looking across the highway, but it isn’t The Burger Den. It’s Denny’s! Aha! It’s a fake burger place created during the pandemic so they could sell more food through DoorDash.
I make it across eventually with no issues and enter the restaurant. It’s about a 1/3 full. Mostly along the same wall. There isn’t anyone at the check in podium. Another couple is there sitting down in the lobby.
I see a stressed out 30s something woman dart in and out of the kitchen. She says just a minute as she heads out to the dining area.
I notice the couple are sharing a phone screen, so I look down at mine to reassure myself this is actually the right place. I don’t see any signs about a Burger Den. But it looks right on my screen.
After about 10 minutes she asks if I’m here for the door dash order. “Yes.”
“We don’t have strawberry ice cream for your shake. In fact we don’t have any ice cream!” She said with an exasperated expression. “How about New York Cheesecake?”
“Yes please!”
She disappears for several minutes then comes back to tell the couple they didn’t have seasoned fries. She offered to reimburse them or they could come back the next day.
When she comes back with my food, I asked how many people they were missing because they were obviously slammed.
She’s the assistant manager. The real manager left early and her in charge because, ‘The evenings are usually light.’ It’s Friday night! She has one chef and one server. She said she’s going to close it down soon. I told her she wasn’t getting paid enough.
It’s an example of something I want to write more about. Homelessness, low paying jobs, medical costs. Our country has serious problems.
Anyway I get back to my room, turn on the tv, put the cheesecake in the fridge, and enjoy my burger and onion rings.
It’s an old Rosanne episode. It’s in the middle of the one where she has to take a lie detector test. After a few questions she realizes they’re trying to get dirt on the gay employee! 90s plot lines! Am I right?
Then it switches to a young Galeki and a young (insert actress name here) having one of those conversations. Two young people have.
Him: I just want to spend time with you. I want to be your friend.
Her: But you want to do more than hang out.
Audience laughs as he stammers affirmatively
Her: So if I don’t then you won’t be my friend.
Him: No! I thought about this. If you want to just be friends that’s ok!
He starts to walk away and she pulls him in for a kiss.
Cut to Rosanne watching in horror. “Dan! What did you say to her?”
“Well I tried to be there for her and…”
I identified with the father trying to balance his family interactions but fails unintentionally. I identified with the boy who loves someone so much, that being a friend is sufficient. Even if there’s a longing for more.
I turned it off. There really aren’t any coincidences are there? It’s just staring right at us. But we have to accept it before we see it.
So I get to the hotel after over seven hours of driving. The Roswell Inn. Have you any idea how many, creative ideas could be generated here? I like it. I’d like it more if I was a townie, so I could talk shit 💩 about the tourists.
I want to try to narrate my evening thus far. A friend of mine is feeling down. I’ll try to make this a decent story.
I check in the at the front desk. The 20 something girl, sorry young woman, politely checks me in. But sadly doesn’t check me out. You get to a point as a man where it’s just too creepy to even joke flirt. I can’t do it. I’m Cringy McWeirdo. I’ll just make us both uncomfortable.
Anyway.
I drive to the building where my room is. Yep 16.
Rooms 14-17 are in a separate building with what I’m assuming are 4 more apartments on the other side. There are 4 parking places parallel with each of the 4 doors. 15 & 17 have cars. My first choice of the evening . Park in the empty spot in front of 14 or parallel park to get between 15 & 17?
There’s a lifted truck parked in 17. Its owner couldn’t manage to keep its massive grill out of my spot, 16 which is empty. 15 has a new red Cadillac. 14 is empty. I don’t have time for anything else. I park in 14s spot. Like Forrest said to Kennedy, “I gotta go pee!”
I had been squirming in my seat for the last 1/2 hr driving in. I thought there’d be a bathroom in the lobby. Nope. Sucks getting old sometimes.
I get back to the room…
Ahhh
So I’m tired. 2 hours ago I thought I might explore the town or museum. Nope. Just bring the food here please! DoorDash! Tip your driver!
So I’m looking at the map and there’s a burger place across the road (highway). The Burger Den. Never heard of it. Maybe it’s local. I could wait another hour and pay someone to bring me something more exotic, but that Wake & Bacon burger (with a fried egg) was calling to me. French fries and a shake? I’ll be right there! Ordered from DD but pick up instead of delivery. Sure I could have driven, but I’ve been driving all day! I needed the walk. It’ll be ready in 20 minutes.
I get my keycard, leave the wallet, take some cash and go out the door. I’ve locked myself out before. Awhile ago at a hotel that didn’t have a night manager. Never again!
I look closer and see there is plenty of room. I’m not going to have to parallel park. I can just slide right in. I don’t have my car keys.
I go back to the room, retrieve the keys, park the car, and start cleaning out the trash. I bring in drinks from the fridge, expensive electronics, and clothes bag w/ toiletries.
I’m holding all of this stuff and doing the pocket search for my keycard. Nope. When did I set it down? Search the car. Nope. Dang it! I put the heavy stuff in the car and walk down to the office. It looks closed! No!!!
No. It was open. I’m just always expecting the worst. The girl remembers me, thankfully, because I don’t have my ID.
So I go back to the room. Open the door. Yep, there’s my keycard! I immediately unlock the car, put the 2nd keycard in the cubby, get my stuff, lock up the room and the car, and I’m off to get my burger, which should be done by now!
Oh, my Lanta! I am wanting to share, and there’s nobody to stop me. What embarrassing horrors am I about to self commit? Because nobody asked for this.
But if I can’t say what I need to say, I’ll burst. It’s not for me to judge whether it’s worth hearing. That’s up to you the reader.
I’m going to try and post videos probably on YouTube. I’m going to have a written blog here. But I’m working on how to produce it so that it’s entertaining. Educational, and not a waste of time.
I know it’s arrogant to think anybody would be at all. Interested in what I’m doing. Because to be perfectly honest with you I’m not all that interested in the details of your life. That’s just in long doses.
I have a short attention span. It really doesn’t matter how important the conversation is how sincere the conversation is, or even who the conversation is with. I will lose track of the conversation. Then I will either nod along with the conversation, uncomprehendingly, or I will jump in with the story of mine related to what you were talking about.
So anyway, now that I’m free to say whatever, whenever, and however I please, expect TMI
So this is a train of thought block post while driving.
I’m dictating this with my iPhone and it inherent text to speech interface. I’m not even gonna look at the translation. I’m just gonna hit send when I’m done talking.
I love driving! I hate it driving For the last year because of how pathetic my Prius had gotten. I’m driving a 2012 Toyota Highlander hybrid and I love it!
The last time I took a road trip and my Prius why two months ago? I went to Hobbs, New Mexico and back, that’s six hours round-trip. It was winter so I didn’t have to worry about the air conditioning failing like the last time. I drove it when it was over 100 outside, so no worries there.
It’s biggest problems where the following: one the headlight on the right side Would flicker and intermittently turn off. It had a slow oil leak, or it was burning oil, which is what I think because I never saw a puddle, after that six hour trip the red triangle of death came on to tell me nothing except to panic. But over the last year, I found that when it does that if I checked the oil it’ll be, more than a quart loaf. And the windshield wiper washer fluid pump doesn’t work. The car antenna broke off years ago. It doesn’t have a Bluetooth media interface.
So by the time I got back home by windshield was dirty street, the headlight was off,and it was telling me it was gonna die any minute now. Lol.
I am currently cruising down the road with a Clearfield of you and a comfortable sedan like ride. Just waiting to finish this off so that I can enjoy SiriusXM, which is somehow free. I love this car!
I checked in to the Day’s Inn, ordered a pizza, vaped, and started writing what I was thinking. Then after I had read it a few times, I was stoned and started editing. That was a mistake! So here I am the next day, in my new room, not stoned, and editing. THC is fine for stimulating divergent thinking. But it sucks for executive functions like decision making. Here’s the important parts:
{Author’s note: I was in a great mood and feeling humorous. As I get to be a more active writer, I’ll categorize things better. Clean up the message. Stay on point. Tangents can be their own posts later. Etc.
So this was some funnies:}
When I started writing, waiting for my pizza, I hear two guys right outside my door. They’re us. I hear all sorts of alpha male call outs of Hemis, Cougars, Navy, Real Truck, etc.
Loudly
Silverback style
I’m a chimp
I won’t twist your head off.
I’ll eat your face.
End of funnies.
I’m safely ensconced in my hotel room. I don’t want to say where I am. Let’s just say they’re known for Aliens. 😉
I love my new car!
BOTH headlights stayed on? ✅
Free SiriusXM radio✅
{Author’s note: I start joking again.}
🔺 of 💀 didn’t come on ✅
I got the pink slip baby! ☑️
(It’s in the mail or something.)
{😬 yikes. Really cringe at these}
My mom says I should name it…
The contenders so far
Silver Bird
Silver Fox 🦊 lol
Silver Surfer 🏄
{Author’s Note: This is a thought that I’ve been working on as a comedic bit. Or something. Funny idea? Where I’ve written edit and a time was yesterday’s stoned edits.}
GenXAssemble! 🇺🇸
So this triggered the earlier thought of GenX Assemble! I know it isn’t original. I have images of people in cosplay level gear in whatever timelines alts etc. edit 10:26pm
Here’s a thought I had while driving:
GenXAssemble!
TikTokers answering the call in whatever form they want. (stitching) 🧵?
Edit 10:27 😬 ok. Time out. Don’t whatever you do hit Publish yet. Ok. Whew! You don’t want to know.
edit 10:31PM sounds of woman screaming incoherently in the parking lot. Alpha Males, you’re up! Edit 10:32
{These are remarks from last night while editing}
Original text…By that I mean I’m not editorializing, I’m editing. So I’m deleting obvious crap. I’ve put enough time into it, I want to keep it for when I’m not stoned again. I don’t drive stoned.
Edit ok, the alphas are beating their chests and thundering around with their big loud cars with their big
loud engines going vroom , vroom
Yes. They trigger anxiety in me. 🖕 them.
There it is. 🌙 ok. Time to just chills a bit. Save for tomorrow. I like what I did. Save as and continue mañana 🪝🍅🥬
{So this was the end of my stoned edits. I was tired and wanted to sleep. What follows is what I wrote before the stoned edits but after sober edits. I’m editing now, in Flagstaff. The thoughts are a continuation of the GenX Assemble idea. }
⬇️⬇️⬇️
Anyway, here’s my point.
Our time has come. We were made for this moment. We were raised by mostly self-interested boomers who wouldn’t trust their instincts and instead read books about how to raise their children. Wait, that was me. Insight:
My parents read Dr. Spock (not Mr. Spock) it was confusing.
No we read “What to Expect When you’re Expecting” That is we bought it and passed it down to our kids.?
You too? GenX 🙌
{This was a real-time recognition of the fact that I was raised by a parent reading a book because that’s what nearly everyone was doing, that I did it too AND that I had passed it down.}
All of us short-circuited, burnt out, non-diagnosed fellow trauma survivors out there have to suit up, mount up, and most importantly get up, off our asses! Ass?
{The “core” idea is that even though we have different opinions left and right, we have a lot more in common. Trying to find a middle ground that we can start from. The middle needs to rein in their extreme fringes. I deleted unfunny jokes.}
You see,
You shouldn’t be praying in public.
I know you mean well.
But you really aren’t helping.
Here’s what I believe,
We are most sincere when it’s just us alone with God. I understood that truth a long time ago.
Even with the most sincere motives, when we don’t keep that part of our existence private, we’re actually harming our “spiritual” understanding.
Anyway
Very rarely we come across someone, and look in their eyes w/o any reservations, because we don’t have any doubt, that they accept us exactly as we are.
And in those moments we experience the Love of God.
However,
I no longer believe that it is Supernatural. I believe it is a part of the Universe. In ways I do not, nor could ever fully understand. But it is worth increasing our understanding.
Is it not?
Do you concur?
I now believe like never before that nearly all organisms experience something of what it is to be alive. So the closer they are to us in awareness, the more we can understand and empathize with their experiences.
Not intelligence or emotion or any of the labels we characterize existence as, just awareness,
If that is true, then we need to drastically and dramatically rethink our coexistence with the rest of the Earth.
{I was getting full of myself}
Random intrusive 💭
Deleted
Broken antenna like I had before❌
Room less than 80 bucks. ✅
Great Pizza from Dion’s. Spicy but good quality pizza 🍕
It’s a shame they were delicious
👽
Ok 👍
Here’s my idea 💡
{I had this bit in my mind where I was a conman trying to get the reader to want to know what my idea was. As I was about to reveal it, I’d think of the conman saying:}
What you think I’m an idiot? I’m just going to blurt out my Million Dollar Idea? Huh. Get lost.
So.
For my next bit I want to set the scene as I am experiencing it at this moment…..
I’ve never been more tempted to steal…Uh oh! El Diablo!
This chair looks awesome. I love the color scheme.
Time!
{I wanted to include a picture of my room to make it more Bloggy. This was when I decided to edit while stoned}
(I finished writing about an hour and a half ago. I scrolled through it a couple of times. Went back to the beginning to try and record that train of thought I had had while driving, and then trying to record it later while stoned)
{This is how I feel about legalization. Especially when stoned}
Texas, Idaho, let’s legalize it! C’mon y’all! Fellow cowpersons 🤠 I have a lot of respect for those that live the strait edge (?) lifestyle. Not for me.
At least not tonight. 😉
Tonight I am going to enjoy the pleasant effects of a great Indica King Louis (Louis)🤣 XIII)
10:04 PM local time
That whole train of thought was instigated by a White Christian woman on church TV. She said something about Satan that made me laugh out loud.
Anyway
I have this idea see…
Leverage the awesome power of ChatGPT to
Ha! You really think I’m just going to say it.. What a Maroon! Gull-a-bull! 🤣
Yes, I’m back. I’m even thinking of reclaiming my real name. We’ll see. I feel like my old self. Like my teacher friend, Jenni, said, “looking forward, not backwards” Or as one of my first “Memes”, from Gumball Ralley. Raul Julia says,
The 1st Rule of Italian Driving…
“Whattsa behind me, (removes rear view mirror) is not important!”
Of course, we didn’t call them memes back then. They were just funny lines from movies & TV shows. I look at my brother and say any setup line from any of those ‘70s movies and he’ll deliver a spot on reading. Consummate professional. God I miss him.
No! He’s not dead. Sorry (in a Canadian soory kind of way) It’s just he’s been up in the Great White Northwest and I’ve been in Libtardia.
There was a long stretch of years, at least two, when him and I and our mom would play Sid Meir’s Civilization on our computers with our modems and such. First III, then IV, and I think even V.
I thought of it as feeling my Irish, because good whiskey didn’t put a damper on my game. Somehow it got me out of the way so I could be, no say what I thought. Because I knew that whatever I said was the truth. Confidence. I miss that too.
I’m not gonna let it end there tonight because obviously I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m one of those guys that asks questions and thinks seriously about them, and what the ramifications might be. Even if I don’t like where they’re headed. If you’ve never considered it, how can you already have an opinion about it?
So I had several thoughts today, that I want to pursue.
I confessed my sins and sincerely accepted Jesus as the Son of God and wanted to be like him.
That was about 40 years ago.
I gotta be honest with you. I’ve never seen him. I’ve only had “feelings, impressions, thoughts” of spiritual experiences.
But there was a time when I was feet first in. It was later, about 30 years ago. That was in Visalia.
I was attending College of the Sequoias. I was on welfare. With my wife and two daughters. We were broke hippies. We were living in a KOA trailer park in Goshen. I’ll put those white trash credentials up against anyone!
I have a soulmate out there, the other half that makes me whole. I don’t have to be within reach, just within thought for me to feel their love. Their existence makes me question my assumptions about reality. A better person couldn’t be wished for.
Some memories are so sweet I fear I’ll ruin it if I dwell too long. But on anniversaries, the temptation is too great! Be they good or bad, I will roll around in them like a hog in mud. Coating myself in the cooling, soothing comfort.
These next few days will be a roller coaster of memory rides. Some thrilling, some sad, and some heartbreaking. So if I seem preoccupied, I’ve been putting some of these memories off for a long time, I’m going to be looking back intently over the next few weeks and months.
If you are making new memories for the future, I’m glad for you. It means you’re still living your life. I’m in a very reflective stage in my life, so I’m going to spend some time organizing and recording the life I’ve lived. Maybe next year I can get back to living life and making memories again. We’ll see.
You were there. It was real, even if it was temporary.
Everyone is Doing the Best They Can 