I’m decaying. I can feel it. My mind is failing me. I can’t remember details of memories I know I used to be able to recall. I can’t understand some things at all that I used to grasp intuitively. I can’t even calculate in my head like I used to. I’m only 62. I thought when I turned 60 I’d probably have about 20 years left. Hopefully most of it in good (enough) health. Now I’m wondering if I’ll even know when I’ve turned 70.
I used to love reading about philosophical concepts. I struggled with free will and morality. I read St. Thomas Aquinas’ proofs of god. I read about quantum physics. Now I hardly read at all. Somewhere along the line I quit questioning and decided I knew what was real. It didn’t seem like researching was getting me any closer to the truth. The truth became unknowable. Whatever the truth is, I wasn’t going to discover it in a book. I wasn’t going to find an answer there. Just someone else’s opinion of it. Books became arguments that different sides used to sway public opinion. Or was that me that changed?
There’s something about living 60 years that teaches you things you can never get from a book. I know that’s cliche. I remember how interesting the world was when I was a teenager. It’s not that it was different then than now. I’m different. I can look back and compare my own understanding of something then to what I’ve learned just by being alive for awhile. Here’s an example.
The first time I read The Hobbit, I was in 8th grade. I loved it. It was a great story with magic and dragons. It started a love of fantasy that has continued to this day. I got into D&D as a teenager and had characters called Elrond and Saruman. When I read the LOTR again as an adult, I was moved to tears by the heroic loyalty of Sam for his friend Frodo. What changed? The words were the same. It was me that changed.
So here’s the thing. Why do we pretend we don’t change through life? Why do we try to recapture youth? Why do we stick to old traditions even if they aren’t relevant or even wanted anymore? Why do we fight so hard against change?
I think this is the last one I write. I miss you. I don’t know if you even read this stuff anymore.
Everyone is Doing the Best They Can 