rambling – Sixty years

I checked in to the Day’s Inn, ordered a pizza, vaped, and started writing what I was thinking. Then after I had read it a few times, I was stoned and started editing. That was a mistake! So here I am the next day, in my new room, not stoned, and editing. THC is fine for stimulating divergent thinking. But it sucks for executive functions like decision making. Here’s the important parts:

{Author’s note: I was in a great mood and feeling humorous. As I get to be a more active writer, I’ll categorize things better. Clean up the message. Stay on point. Tangents can be their own posts later. Etc.

So this was some funnies:}

When I started writing, waiting for my pizza, I hear two guys right outside my door. They’re us. I hear all sorts of alpha male call outs of Hemis, Cougars, Navy, Real Truck, etc.

Loudly

Silverback style

I’m a chimp

I won’t twist your head off.

I’ll eat your face.

End of funnies.

I’m safely ensconced in my hotel room. I don’t want to say where I am. Let’s just say they’re known for Aliens. 😉

I love my new car!

BOTH headlights stayed on? ✅

Free SiriusXM radio✅

{Author’s note: I start joking again.}

🔺 of 💀 didn’t come on ✅

I got the pink slip baby! ☑️

(It’s in the mail or something.)

{😬 yikes. Really cringe at these}

My mom says I should name it…

The contenders so far

Silver Bird

Silver Fox 🦊 lol

Silver Surfer 🏄

{Author’s Note: This is a thought that I’ve been working on as a comedic bit. Or something. Funny idea? Where I’ve written edit and a time was yesterday’s stoned edits.}

GenXAssemble! 🇺🇸

So this triggered the earlier thought of GenX Assemble! I know it isn’t original. I have images of people in cosplay level gear in whatever timelines alts etc. edit 10:26pm

Here’s a thought I had while driving:

GenXAssemble!

TikTokers answering the call in whatever form they want. (stitching) 🧵?

Edit 10:27 😬 ok. Time out. Don’t whatever you do hit Publish yet. Ok. Whew! You don’t want to know.

edit 10:31PM sounds of woman screaming incoherently in the parking lot. Alpha Males, you’re up! Edit 10:32

{These are remarks from last night while editing}

Original text…By that I mean I’m not editorializing, I’m editing. So I’m deleting obvious crap. I’ve put enough time into it, I want to keep it for when I’m not stoned again. I don’t drive stoned.

Edit ok, the alphas are beating their chests and thundering around with their big loud cars with their big

loud engines going vroom , vroom

Yes. They trigger anxiety in me. 🖕 them.

There it is. 🌙 ok. Time to just chills a bit. Save for tomorrow. I like what I did. Save as and continue mañana 🪝🍅🥬

{So this was the end of my stoned edits. I was tired and wanted to sleep. What follows is what I wrote before the stoned edits but after sober edits. I’m editing now, in Flagstaff. The thoughts are a continuation of the GenX Assemble idea. }

⬇️⬇️⬇️

Anyway, here’s my point.

Our time has come. We were made for this moment. We were raised by mostly self-interested boomers who wouldn’t trust their instincts and instead read books about how to raise their children. Wait, that was me. Insight:

My parents read Dr. Spock (not Mr. Spock) it was confusing.

No we read “What to Expect When you’re Expecting” That is we bought it and passed it down to our kids.?

You too? GenX 🙌

{This was a real-time recognition of the fact that I was raised by a parent reading a book because that’s what nearly everyone was doing, that I did it too AND that I had passed it down.}

All of us short-circuited, burnt out, non-diagnosed fellow trauma survivors out there have to suit up, mount up, and most importantly get up, off our asses! Ass?

{The “core” idea is that even though we have different opinions left and right, we have a lot more in common. Trying to find a middle ground that we can start from. The middle needs to rein in their extreme fringes. I deleted unfunny jokes.}

You see,

You shouldn’t be praying in public.

I know you mean well.

But you really aren’t helping.

Here’s what I believe,

We are most sincere when it’s just us alone with God. I understood that truth a long time ago.

Even with the most sincere motives, when we don’t keep that part of our existence private, we’re actually harming our “spiritual” understanding.

Anyway

Very rarely we come across someone, and look in their eyes w/o any reservations, because we don’t have any doubt, that they accept us exactly as we are.

And in those moments we experience the Love of God.

However,

I no longer believe that it is Supernatural. I believe it is a part of the Universe. In ways I do not, nor could ever fully understand. But it is worth increasing our understanding.

Is it not?

Do you concur?

I now believe like never before that nearly all organisms experience something of what it is to be alive. So the closer they are to us in awareness, the more we can understand and empathize with their experiences.

Not intelligence or emotion or any of the labels we characterize existence as, just awareness,

If that is true, then we need to drastically and dramatically rethink our coexistence with the rest of the Earth.

{I was getting full of myself}

Random intrusive 💭

Deleted

Broken antenna like I had before❌

Room less than 80 bucks. ✅

Great Pizza from Dion’s. Spicy but good quality pizza 🍕

👽

Ok 👍

Here’s my idea 💡

{I had this bit in my mind where I was a conman trying to get the reader to want to know what my idea was. As I was about to reveal it, I’d think of the conman saying:}

What you think I’m an idiot? I’m just going to blurt out my Million Dollar Idea? Huh. Get lost.

So.

For my next bit I want to set the scene as I am experiencing it at this moment…..

This chair looks awesome. I love the color scheme.

Time!

{I wanted to include a picture of my room to make it more Bloggy. This was when I decided to edit while stoned}

(I finished writing about an hour and a half ago. I scrolled through it a couple of times. Went back to the beginning to try and record that train of thought I had had while driving, and then trying to record it later while stoned)

{This is how I feel about legalization. Especially when stoned}

Texas, Idaho, let’s legalize it! C’mon y’all! Fellow cowpersons 🤠 I have a lot of respect for those that live the strait edge (?) lifestyle. Not for me.

At least not tonight. 😉

Tonight I am going to enjoy the pleasant effects of a great Indica King Louis (Louis)🤣 XIII)

10:04 PM local time

That whole train of thought was instigated by a White Christian woman on church TV. She said something about Satan that made me laugh out loud.

Anyway

I have this idea see…

Leverage the awesome power of ChatGPT to

Ha! You really think I’m just going to say it.. What a Maroon! Gull-a-bull! 🤣

But it’s awesome

If you only knew…

Is weed legal in New Mexico? ✅✅✅

Good night! 🌙

Tip your waiter! 🎤🎤🎙️🔦

{Ok that’s it.}

Tonight in Flagstaff

Not worth it.

Now that I’ve established the expectation for myself to write every day…it’s a chore! Gah! I hate this feeling. When I’m not typing, I’m thinking. I’m always thinking. But isn’t everybody? Don’t you think about what you did, what you’re doing, or what you’re going to do all of the time?

Ok, so maybe not all of the time. That’s why we like good books, movies, or tv shows. They take us away from our lives. We stop thinking about ourselves and get sucked into the drama, we get inspired by beauty, love, or some virtue, or we go through a roller coaster of emotions because we’re empathizing with characters in the story. Sometimes, we escape because we don’t want to think about the past, present, or future.

I was asked why I want to blog. I want to be understood. But there’s more than that. I want to be appreciated for my uniqueness. I’m a man with unpopular opinions. I don’t choose to believe the things I believe because they are unpopular. I feel like I’ve arrived at these opinions because I am willing to explore uncomfortable truths. Or at least uncomfortable for the majority of people I interact with.

Over the decades, I’ve felt like I’m on a mission to find the truth. What truth? Reality. The cold hard facts of life.

So anyway, I’ve got these opinions see. I want to write about the things I think about. I want to write about science, philosophy, religion, politics, and many other things that pop into my head. Believe me, they’re popping in and out ALL of the time!

Which is part of the frustration of sitting down to write. Thoughts have been going through my head all day, but now that I’m here behind my keyboard I can’t think of any of them! So frustrating. Hours ago when I had some good thinking going on, I didn’t want to stop what I was watching to write.

I was watching a documentary on Netflix called Everything and Nothing. It was a very well produced science program about the Universe (Everything) and what “empty” space is like at the sub-atomic level (Nothing). Now, if I was going to write about that, how would I go about it? Am I going to try to rehash the whole show? I feel like I have to in order to provide context for what I was thinking while I was watching it. But that would be exhausting and I couldn’t do as good of a job as the production team that put the show together.

Ok, so I looked back at the beginning of this page. Daily Writing was my title. I didn’t sit down prepared to write about anything. I just had put off writing all day, knowing that I was “supposed” to write something, and then decided to quit putting it off. So I sat down, got out the keyboard, and started writing whatever was in my head at that moment.

I should probably take some writing classes. I should watch YouTube videos on how to create a “successful” blog. I should read other blogs to see how they do it. But I won’t. Or I might start to watch a video and then get bored and quit.

So here’s where I feel like I want to explain why I’m like this. But to be honest, I’m not exactly sure. Trying to figure out why I am the way I am has been my life preoccupation. When I’m not thinking about other things, I’m thinking about myself. ADHD, PTSD, OCPD, Anxiety, Self-Esteem and Depression. These different diagnoses, both self-diagnosed and doctor diagnosed, have filled my life. There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I go back and forth between trying to “fix” or at least improve myself, or trying to just accept the way I am and move on.

I don’t want to plan, but then again I want a plan. I want my life to be more organized so I can accomplish the things I want to do with the time left. But I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do. Apparently that includes myself. I can’t make myself do what I want to do. I want the dishes done every day. But I don’t want to do the dishes. I want to eat healthy meals, but I don’t want to prepare and cook food. I want to be in shape, but I don’t want to work out. I want more money, but I don’t want to work for it.

It’s not laziness. That’s what I’ve called it, along with my parents when I was younger, all of my life. Occasionally, I’ll get super motivated and finish most of the things I’ve put off. But I won’t finish everything and then dishes will sit, clothes will stay on the floor where I dropped them, and I’ll leave any other lingering tasks for the next time I feel like doing them.

I say it’s not laziness because I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos and Facebook posts about Executive Function. People like me have a mental problem, not a personality defect. Even though that’s what I was brought up to believe about myself. I know intellectually that I have a complex personality disorder. I know that I’ve gone through trauma as an adult and as a child. But I feel like any attempts to explain the causes of my behavior are just finding excuses for being lazy.

Fake it ’till you make it. I hope that by just powering through and writing something everyday, I’ll be able to improve. If I try to plan what I’m going to do, I often don’t even get started. I quit during the planning part. But I know that if I don’t at least write, if I don’t at least get something down, I’ll just lose interest in the attempt at having a blog. I have so much I want to say it’s often hard to choose one thing. Look at this page. There’s no planning. There’s no real topic. But I’m tired of writing now, so this will have to do.

One last thing. I started writing about my thoughts about the Starship launch last night. I know I need to finish it. I hate the thought that it’s not done and I have to go back to it. Isn’t that nuts?

Tag: rambling

Day One. Days Inn. Daze Out. Take Two.

Daily Writing