Now that I’ve established the expectation for myself to write every day…it’s a chore! Gah! I hate this feeling. When I’m not typing, I’m thinking. I’m always thinking. But isn’t everybody? Don’t you think about what you did, what you’re doing, or what you’re going to do all of the time?
Ok, so maybe not all of the time. That’s why we like good books, movies, or tv shows. They take us away from our lives. We stop thinking about ourselves and get sucked into the drama, we get inspired by beauty, love, or some virtue, or we go through a roller coaster of emotions because we’re empathizing with characters in the story. Sometimes, we escape because we don’t want to think about the past, present, or future.
I was asked why I want to blog. I want to be understood. But there’s more than that. I want to be appreciated for my uniqueness. I’m a man with unpopular opinions. I don’t choose to believe the things I believe because they are unpopular. I feel like I’ve arrived at these opinions because I am willing to explore uncomfortable truths. Or at least uncomfortable for the majority of people I interact with.
Over the decades, I’ve felt like I’m on a mission to find the truth. What truth? Reality. The cold hard facts of life.
So anyway, I’ve got these opinions see. I want to write about the things I think about. I want to write about science, philosophy, religion, politics, and many other things that pop into my head. Believe me, they’re popping in and out ALL of the time!
Which is part of the frustration of sitting down to write. Thoughts have been going through my head all day, but now that I’m here behind my keyboard I can’t think of any of them! So frustrating. Hours ago when I had some good thinking going on, I didn’t want to stop what I was watching to write.
I was watching a documentary on Netflix called Everything and Nothing. It was a very well produced science program about the Universe (Everything) and what “empty” space is like at the sub-atomic level (Nothing). Now, if I was going to write about that, how would I go about it? Am I going to try to rehash the whole show? I feel like I have to in order to provide context for what I was thinking while I was watching it. But that would be exhausting and I couldn’t do as good of a job as the production team that put the show together.
Ok, so I looked back at the beginning of this page. Daily Writing was my title. I didn’t sit down prepared to write about anything. I just had put off writing all day, knowing that I was “supposed” to write something, and then decided to quit putting it off. So I sat down, got out the keyboard, and started writing whatever was in my head at that moment.
I should probably take some writing classes. I should watch YouTube videos on how to create a “successful” blog. I should read other blogs to see how they do it. But I won’t. Or I might start to watch a video and then get bored and quit.
So here’s where I feel like I want to explain why I’m like this. But to be honest, I’m not exactly sure. Trying to figure out why I am the way I am has been my life preoccupation. When I’m not thinking about other things, I’m thinking about myself. ADHD, PTSD, OCPD, Anxiety, Self-Esteem and Depression. These different diagnoses, both self-diagnosed and doctor diagnosed, have filled my life. There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I go back and forth between trying to “fix” or at least improve myself, or trying to just accept the way I am and move on.
I don’t want to plan, but then again I want a plan. I want my life to be more organized so I can accomplish the things I want to do with the time left. But I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do. Apparently that includes myself. I can’t make myself do what I want to do. I want the dishes done every day. But I don’t want to do the dishes. I want to eat healthy meals, but I don’t want to prepare and cook food. I want to be in shape, but I don’t want to work out. I want more money, but I don’t want to work for it.
It’s not laziness. That’s what I’ve called it, along with my parents when I was younger, all of my life. Occasionally, I’ll get super motivated and finish most of the things I’ve put off. But I won’t finish everything and then dishes will sit, clothes will stay on the floor where I dropped them, and I’ll leave any other lingering tasks for the next time I feel like doing them.
I say it’s not laziness because I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos and Facebook posts about Executive Function. People like me have a mental problem, not a personality defect. Even though that’s what I was brought up to believe about myself. I know intellectually that I have a complex personality disorder. I know that I’ve gone through trauma as an adult and as a child. But I feel like any attempts to explain the causes of my behavior are just finding excuses for being lazy.
Fake it ’till you make it. I hope that by just powering through and writing something everyday, I’ll be able to improve. If I try to plan what I’m going to do, I often don’t even get started. I quit during the planning part. But I know that if I don’t at least write, if I don’t at least get something down, I’ll just lose interest in the attempt at having a blog. I have so much I want to say it’s often hard to choose one thing. Look at this page. There’s no planning. There’s no real topic. But I’m tired of writing now, so this will have to do.
One last thing. I started writing about my thoughts about the Starship launch last night. I know I need to finish it. I hate the thought that it’s not done and I have to go back to it. Isn’t that nuts?
Sixty years 